Asatru Read online



  ASATRU

  By Ariana Kenny

  Copyright May 2011 by Ariana Kenny

  Chapter 1: Rachael

  “I can still only remember the one thing. Over and over, just the same thing. There is nothing else I can tell you……I remember the bright light as I reached the edge of the cave. Breathing in the air, hot, thick, but fresh. Being so grateful to be out, but knowing I’m nowhere near free yet. I can feel him in my arms, I am holding him tight trying to run. Jonah’s heavy and he’s crying. I’m gasping for breath and my legs hurt so much. Although I am trying to run, but with carrying him, I’m too weighed down. I keep running, but my legs feel like they are barely making ground. I’m staggering at best. I can barely see, let alone run properly and I’m so tired.

  The sun makes me squint, and I am looking around, trying to see where to go next but all I see is blinding sun and desert. Everywhere, just desert, no buildings, no road, nothing. A few scraps of plants and rocks, no cars, not a thing, as far as I can see. I keep moving forward, but I know….I know he is just behind me. He knows I am making a run for it, where I am, and he’s coming for me. For us.

  One foot in front of the other, I can feel the burning hot sand on my feet and then I hear him yell. My skirt is getting in the way of me moving properly. It might be shredded, might be ragged, but it’s still intact enough to grab hold of my legs. The man behind me now is old, with a long beard, but I know he’s strong. I start to cry as I run with Jonah. I’m running and every muscle is in pain, because he’s so heavy, but I can’t let him go. I can’t leave him behind. But I know…. I know deep down if I keep running like this, carrying him, I’m not going to make it. He’ll catch up with me, and take us back, or worse. As I run, I can feel the man is right on me now, I look back and see him, dressed in dusty, old linen clothes. He’s running, he doesn’t have any weapons, and even though I can’t see anything he can use to harm me, I’m still so scared. I know he can hurt me. I know he’s strong, and I’m so scared I think I’m going to break. I can’t go back. I can’t let him take us back.

  Jonah starts screaming when he sees how close he is. I can’t think. I just…. I just…. I stop in my tracks, I throw Jonah away from me, down on the ground next to a few scattered rocks and plants. I’m sure it hurt him, landing on the ground like that, but I have no choice. Once I threw him to the ground, I turn around to face him, the man I fear. I’m bracing myself, I’m going to fight him, I think I’m going to die…I know it’s going to hurt…. and…….then I can’t remember anything else. Nothing, until they found us, walking on the road. I remember the flashing lights, the heat of the fire behind me. That’s all. Nothing else.”

  I shrugged my shoulders as I opened my eyes to regard Amber, my Social Worker. She was young, and I hoped keen enough to get me the help we all needed. Her light brown hair was pulled in to a basic ponytail, and her brown eyes lightly complimented by a tan eye shadow. Her presentation might be understated, but from the tone of her skin and the labeled clothing she wore, I could tell she came from money. This job then, would be a choice, not simply an option. So if she was passionate, had nothing to lose, maybe she would fight harder for me than some of the other people in the office I had met. The woman I had been appointed the first week had barely kept her eyes open during the interview, and it wasn’t until Amber had taken on my case that I at least got an appointment for a Psychiatrist. Not that I wanted one, but right now, I had to admit, I think I needed one. Amber sat, elbows on knees, riveted by everything I said. I felt uncomfortable for a moment, almost on show. I fidgeted in my seat and she must have sensed my apprehension.

  “Nothing more before the car blowing up, the police helicopters and the rescue crew on the road?” Amber asked.

  “No, nothing. I know I should remember, I don’t know why I can’t.” I wished I could do something to budge the block in my mind. Make myself remember anything before what memories I had. Even my name, Rachael, was one I found inscribed on the inside of the ring I wore. I hoped it was actually my name.

  I couldn’t remember anything else. Not a thing, other than my anxious re-birth from captivity, running through the desert, running for my life, for Jonah’s. At least he remembered something, though he wouldn’t talk of course. That would make it too easy.

  Jonah was barely 7 at a guess, and he wrote his name, his age and that I was his mother, when asked. Nothing else though. No address, no details. When asked, he simply put down the pencil, bowed his head and refused. He clutched my hand, and held me like I would disappear anytime we went anywhere. Like grim death, but this time at least he had gone to see the child Psychologist while I saw Amber, and he hadn’t kicked up a huge fuss. Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe he was starting to feel more confident. That would be good, because I knew I wasn’t. Amber’s voice broke my thoughts.

  “It’s not unusual you know,” she reassured me. “Repression like this is just your mind’s way of protecting itself. It’s alright. That’s what the psych will be for. You’ve done some great work today.”

  I lowered my head. “I don’t know that that’s true.” I found myself muttering.

  “You really have, you might seem like you are repeating yourself, but you had trouble even getting through that part before, but could tell me the whole scene comfortably this time around. You mentioned what he was wearing, looking for weapons. That’s an interesting word to use. Not gun, not knife, but weapons. When you start working with Dr Wright I’m sure a whole lot more can start coming out.” Amber smiled encouragingly. I responded in kind, and felt my breath ease. I was so tense I still sat on the edge of the chair a full 30 minutes after sitting down. The small relaxation of my breath felt like my chest was finally being released from being constricted by giant elastic bands. I could feel my shoulders unbunch as well.

  “I hope so. I’m sick of carrying this around -this feeling like I have some kind of load on my back, but I can’t look behind to see what it is, or why I have to bear it.” Amber rested a hand on mine.

  “You’ll be alright Rachael. It’s OK. Really. We’ll get you there, one step at a time.” Amber paused for a moment. “You said something else that’s interesting.”

  I looked up at her hopefully. “What’s that?”

  “About Jonah.” She responded. “You said he was screaming. That means that he can use his voice. Like the doctors said, there’s no medical or physical reason he doesn’t talk. He just isn’t ready. Not yet anyway.”

  I had to give a half laugh. “You really are an optimist aren’t you?”

  “Have to be in this job.” She admitted.

  An older woman with a black bob cut ducked her head around the partition, interrupting us. “Amber, your four o’clock is here. They’ve been waiting for 15 minutes, and they’ve made me feel every minute of it.”

  Amber shook her head as though irritated at herself for losing track of time. “Right.” She turned to me. “Rachael, I have to go, but the appointment is set for next Thursday with Dr Wright, you can start exploring what happens next with him. In the meantime, I got the extension on your temporary accommodation through the department, so you don’t have to worry about that. We can find something more permanent soon, you are on the priority list. If there is anything though…” Trailing off, I knew what she meant.

  “I know I can call you.” I finished for her. “We’re fine, really. I just think Jonah is feeling cooped up. We don’t really do anything much, but until I know where his school is, who our friends are, I just don’t want to start making new habits and routines. I feel like I’m giving up on what we used to have. Whatever that was.”

  “I know things are frustrating right now.” Amber stood and I mirrored her, but she continued to talk. “The Child Psychologist seems to think the
y might be onto a breakthrough with him as well. There might be more he can tell us soon. Even if he won’t talk, we know at least Jonah is old enough to write the basics. Look, for the moment, I can see if there is anything else we can get you from donations. I know there are free tickets to Cirque de Soleil up for grabs.” Amber was sweet, kind. I knew it instinctively, not just from what she offered to do for me.

  “Thank you Amber.”

  “No problem Rachael, I’ll call you as soon as we have somewhere more permanent for you but…..” A longer pause stretched before she lowered her voice so others couldn’t hear as well. “I don’t know if you would be interested, but my brother is having a party at his house on the weekend, tomorrow night actually. Lots of space for Jonah to run around, explore with some of the other kids that are coming. There will be some people who don’t know you, you can talk about anything you want. Not this stuff. Good food, nice wine. I can pay for a cab from your place and back.”

  I felt the tension rise again. “I couldn’t.” I said shaking my head.

  “Why not? Have you got a better offer?” Amber teased.

  “No… I… I don’t have anything to wear.” It was a poor excuse, but the only one that sprung to mind.

  Amber nodded and smiled as though expecting it. “I’ll find you something. Don’t worry, but I’d love to see you there. It’s safe, everyone there – they’re good people Rachael. Give yourself a night away from wondering, worrying. It’s been three weeks.” It was hard to argue with her reasoning. I nodded, and Amber smiled again, clearly pleased. I hoped my agreement to go wasn’t going to be one I regretted, but I could use a break, some socialization, a glass of wine or two wouldn’t go astray either.

  I left the social work office and walked down the corridor to where Jonah was in seeing the Psychologist. They were just finishing up, leaving a blue room and escorted by the middle aged, slightly overweight receptionist. As soon as he saw me, he ran to me, arms outstretched, and it felt right holding him close to me. We rose to stand as I nodded to the Psychologist before we walked out the door and off to home. Or at least our temporary home, until we figured out where we belonged. No missing persons reports, no school reports of non attendance for Jonah. What was going on? We were no one, nothing, and nowhere to be seen.

  We followed our usual routine of sorts, if you could call it that. The bar fridge in the motel we were put up in only held so much making it a daily necessity to make a trip to the store. Money was tight, but given I had little appetite, as long as Jonah ate, it was fine, I didn’t really care. That night, I decided to give us a break from the usual steamed vegetables, meat and juice. We had pizza, ate in bed while watching TV, and it was relaxing, doing nothing, not caring about things for a moment in time.

  I knew I wanted to get back to normal, I didn’t care what normal was, but I wanted it. I lay with my head hanging off the side of the bed staring at the ceiling fan while the sound of giggling at the TV filled the air. What had happened to us? I felt that until I knew every detail of what happened, and every part of who we were, I was still enslaved to someone else. I felt dirty, plastic, and for all the giggling and pizza guzzling, I knew that this was effecting the boy profoundly.

  Aside from the fact he refused to speak, his drawings were frightening, reflected darkness. Holes in the ground, with people standing over them bleeding, sad faces and large knives. Every time I saw one, I shuddered. One good thing was that school started in three weeks –depending on the various departments working together to push him through with no actual paperwork to support his placement. Hopefully they could cram his head with other things. By then I could be doing some serious work in therapy, uncovering the answers to all my questions. Amber had organised everything from school and accommodation, to therapy and money. In surprisingly good time too. Say what they will about Social Services, when they wanted to and had a passion, they got things done, and I – we - would have been truly lost without their help.

  At least he slept well, unlike myself. I could hardly switch off long enough to call it sleep, more like rest, with one eye open. That was another reason I needed to find out what had happened. I knew I wasn’t sleeping until then. When I did close my eyes all I saw was desert, sparse barren land. The man following behind. Me bracing to fight him. I stifled a shudder by rubbing my hands across my arms. God I was tense. Always so tense, afraid. I didn’t like it, and it felt foreign. I didn’t used to be like that. I was sure.

  After I tucked him in to bed, I went to the bathroom, showered and pulled out the dress Amber had left for me at the front desk. It was long, silk and dusty rose. I hung it on the back of the door and regarded it distastefully. I hated it, but I wasn’t about to be picky. Amber had also thrown in a travel make up pack. Going out tomorrow was going to be good for me. A distraction for me. I looked back at Jonah through the crack in the open door.

  Sighing, I turned back and took a long look at myself in the mirror. “Who are you?” I asked my mirror reflection. I touched the area around my eyes. Hardly any wrinkles. I didn’t look very young, so how old was I, about twenty five, thirty, maybe a good thirty five? I couldn’t have been wearing something with my name, address or date of birth could I, no medical record number or telephone number on the back of a bracelet. I would have settled for a medical alert bracelet, anything.

  Leaning back, I looked myself over again. I was olive toned in my complexion, fit, as if I used to work out regularly. My muscles felt strong and I was taut. but lean, so obviously I didn’t work out all the time. The doctors had confirmed I was 5 foot 7 inches. So average in height. Average height, average weight, average appearance, no distinguishing marks. My hair was a natural ebony. No regrowth, and my cut looked like a standard layered job that was slowly growing out. How long had it been I wondered, since I sat in a hairdresser’s chair, went to work, how long had I been gone from my old life? Why hadn’t anyone missed me?

  Reluctantly, I pulled my eyes from my reflection, knowing there were no answers, only questions. I put a long sleeve light blue jumper on, a pair of yoga pants and took myself to my usual resting perch for the night, where the small luggage rack sat at the base of the motel window, and pulled my knees to my chest. Cracking the curtain slightly, I peered out at the night sky, the stars blinking through light cloud cover.

  The carpark was on the next level below so I could see out with limited distractions of buildings, people or traffic. I could hear everything well though. ‘Hyper-vigilance’ they had told me before discharging me from the hospital. They had warned me that given I had been through a trauma I might find I was hyper sensitive to all kinds of sounds, movements. Another survival mechanism. I sighed. It was exhausting, paying attention to everything, all of the time. A distraction was definitely what I needed. I found myself looking forward to the part on Saturday night.

  When Saturday night came, I felt truly nervous. What would I talk about? The psychological ins and outs of post traumatic retrograde amnesia? How to live without a past? Daily motel life perhaps? I scoured the papers looking for general topics of conversation, thought back over the few books I had decided to read over the last couple of weeks. I suddenly felt panicked. This wasn’t going to work.

  Just as I was picking up the phone to cancel, I received a text message from Amber: Don’t even think of cancelling. Be great to see you there tonight. Taxi on it’s way. OK. That was a sign. I was supposed to go out tonight.

  The taxi arrived not ten minutes later and we piled in. The drive was pleasant, about 25 minutes through the town, past the expressway and out to a semi-rural area. Jonah looked outside the window, at the various landmarks, then animals as we approached. The area was one of interesting contrast, lots of houses built together in community projects, but then surrounded by trees, patches of empty fields. As we drew closer, there were less lights, more windy roads, less houses and more trees. Finally, we pulled up into a driveway.

  The house was enormous, and not at all what I
expected. I had imagined a rustic two storey home with surrounding old farm space that had been cleared in to fields. This place was perfection. Whitewashed splendor with a stenciled tarmac driveway, fountain and staircase leading to the front. It rose at least three storeys, and with every light in the house turned on it seemed to gleam and shine. I stood awestruck for a moment at the base of the steps once we squirmed out of the taxi.

  A security guard at the front door ushered us forward. He had an earpiece and a clipboard to accompany his collared shirt and tailored pants, and I realised how very tall he was once I reached him. We looked up as though he were a wall, but he smiled graciously.

  “Hey there guys! What’s your names and I’ll check them off the list?” But all that happened was Jonah shrank back against me, and my voice suddenly left me.

  “It’s OK” I comforted Jonah as I looked at the security guard. “This is Jonah. I’m….”

  “Rachael!” I heard Amber’s welcome voice over the din of laughing, chit chatter, and background music. Amber ran waving towards me, and looked as though she may already have had a touch too much to drink. She arrived and embraced me before leaning back to look at me. “You look fabulous!” She exclaimed looking me over.

  “You too.” I responded blushing. Jonah was already peering around me and into the large dining room that had the French windows thrown open.

  Amber responded by kneeling to face him. “There are a few other kids inside, if your mom says it’s alright, I’m sure they’d like to meet you. There’s also snacks on the little table at the end I think you’ll love.” He looked up at me in anticipation, to which I nodded and he wandered inside tentatively.

  “Don’t worry.” Amber assured me. The back is all secured, and very child proof. My cousins come over all the time so my brother made sure a long time ago that the kids didn’t need to be followed around everywhere. Kes here,” She said motioning to the security guard, “He knows not to let any of the little ones out, and this is the only open door. So you can spend some time meeting people with a clear head.” Kes nodded in confirmation and Amber started ushering me inside. There were only a couple of children Jonah’s age, and a few older ones, one around 10, one roughly 12, another about 14 years old. The rest were all adults feasting on light snacks, holding glasses of wine or beer. Maybe around 50 to 70 in total. And a couple of well worked waiters. It wasn’t too many people for a get together, but I found it more than a little daunting after being more or less alone for so long.

  I hesitated as Amber deserted me for a moment to bring back a glass of champagne. Almost as soon as she left me, a male voice sounded from behind me.

  “Don’t worry, they might be a little stuck up, but they won’t bite.” I turned to face a man of medium height in his late 30’s. He had brown eyes that were slightly larger than proportionate to his face, but in a good way, and a rough beard that looked like a purposeful five o’clock shadow gone wild. He stood hovering above me, and looked approachable, intelligent.

  I paused desperately searching for words. “I just don’t know anyone here, I just got here, so I’m not sure where to start.”

  “Well if you don’t know anyone, you must not have an invitation, which means I’ll have to have you thrown out.” I felt horrified and took a step back before the expression on his face changed to one more pleasant. He reached a hand out to take my arm lightly. “Jeez, relax. I was just kidding. My sister said you were a little high strung, but seriously. Sorry. I didn’t mean offence.” I relaxed again.

  “I’m Rachael.” I started again. “I’m afraid my sense of humour is a little off base at the moment.”

  He smiled and I let his friendly face centre me.

  “I see you met my brother Sabian.” Amber said as she re-approached me, two glasses in hand. She handed me my drink before turning to face Sabian. “Nice party Sab. Think you invited every one of your suck ups or just the ones you like the most?”

  “Funny, I thought I just invited your friends tonight.” Sabian faked a search through the crowd as though double checking their faces. Amber dramatically grimaced at the joke, before smiling at me. They both fake laughed.

  “We’re twins.” She clarified as though that settled everything.

  “That’s her.” I heard a woman whisper behind me. I tuned in, but refused to react, not being sure what the woman was commenting on.

  “The one on the front of the paper. The one that lost her memory?” Came another whisper in response. I turned slowly on that remark, knowing it was intended for me. Two middle aged women turned their heads as if to disguise their indiscretion.

  “Don’t listen to the gossip.” Sabian said. My field of vision refocused on to him.

  “I’m sorry. I thought it would be a good idea to tell the parents that Jonah couldn’t speak so they could prep their kids. One thing led to another. I hope that’s alright.” Although I knew Amber had meant well, I felt a turn in my stomach. This wasn’t the safe haven I was hoping for.

  “Of course.” I muttered, but looked at the floor.

  “Drink up.” Sabian said throwing back the rest of his champagne glass. “It helps.”